she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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