Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
