The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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