we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
