So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
