Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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