It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
how drunk are you?
Several
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
