hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
