I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
