u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
