he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
