That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
