You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
