Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
