why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
