she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
