If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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