4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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