I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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