just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
