Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize