I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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