it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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