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I'm gonna have a badass scar
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize