I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize