he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
