I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
