Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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