I wanna passion pit in your ass
I checked into jail on foursquare
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
