oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
