So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
These tits shall not be calmed
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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