Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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