Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
