I want to have your abortion
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
