I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
