can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
