I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
