nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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