She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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