sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just had sex bonerless
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
