Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
