How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
