walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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