So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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