I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
