Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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