Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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