i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
