so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
