I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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