Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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