Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
