Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
