I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
