Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize