I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
