Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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