Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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