Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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