i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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